[SPORTS] NFL Power Rankings: Week 15

Published on by Chris Osburn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In honor of Chrismahanakwanzakuh, I have decided to be very generous this holiday season and give each team a special present.

Team TW
1 A Vince Lombardi Trophy. Anything less would be a disappointment.
2 Some name recognition for Jimmy Graham. Or at least a cool nickname so that we remember who he is.
3 A quick recovery from Anquan Boldin because they’re going to need him if they are going to get far in the playoffs.
4 A DVD copy of the Tom Hanks classic movie Big for Zoltan Mesko because I’m pretty sure he played the fortune teller machine.
5 Some better protection for Alex Smith. He’s been sacked more than any other QB this season.
6 A hanky for James Harrison to blow his nose because he sure has been crying a lot lately.
7 A new pass rusher in the draft. So that someone other than John Abraham actually gets to the quarterback.
8 A playoff win for Houston. This has been a long time coming.
9 Better press for Ndamukong Suh. He’s starting to look like a bully.
10 A spot hosting Saturday Night Live for Tim Tebow.
11 A sense of humor for the Dallas writers who got mad at Dez Bryant’s “Talented but lazy” Nike T-shirt.
12 An owner who seems to actually care about his team instead of only caring about the bottom line.
13 A muzzle to put over Rex Ryan’s mouth so we don’t have to hear him boasting about his disappointing team.
14 A trip to the playoffs in honor of the late Al Davis.
15 A quarterback who can stay healthy for a whole season. Or at the very least, a capable back up.
16 The wherewithal to think before he speaks for Eli Manning. “Elite” quarterback’s usually lead their team to the playoffs.
17 A few reliable receivers for Jake Locker to throw the ball to so he doesn’t have to run around as much.
18 A supply of vitamins for Ryan Mathews because the Chargers are a lot better when he’s healthy.
19 A better start next season. Even one or two more wins and they’d be in the playoff hunt.
20 A psychologist so that they can figure out who they are and why they are really good one week and then really terrible the next.
21 That little gizmo from Men In Black so that we all forget that the Eagles this season were supposed to be a “Dream Team”.
22 The ability to learn from mistakes. Kevin Kolb sure is (isn’t) earning that $65 million dollar contract they gave him.
23 A clue for coach Pete Carroll. Did you really think that Red Bryant’s baby was 17 pounds when it was born?
24 A change in their uniforms. At the very least, throw away those yellow pants. They are horrible to look at.
25 An offensive line to protect Cam Newton and this team could be a playoff contender next season.
26 The ability to re-gift Albert Haynesworth because the Patriots are 0-6 since letting him go and the Bucs are 0-6 after picking him up.
27 For the Jags ownership to fire a lot of coaches in the off season so we can see the headline “The wrath of Khan”.
28 A new defensive coordinator. I think there is a fellow named Dave who is already on the coaching staff who might be a good fit.
29 A coach or two who actually cares about the well being of his players and doesn’t put them back into a game with a concussion.
30 A #1 pick in the draft…finally.
31 A record deal for Tripping Icarus. The team has nothing else interesting going on.
32 A time machine to go back before this horrible season started so fans can feel the excitement they felt after the Rams almost made the playoffs last year.

 

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