RELATIONSHIP: If Mama Ain’t Happy…

I think we’ve all heard the old, worn-out saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Well, no matter what kind of guy you are, you’ve got to admit there’s some truth in that.

But here’s the deal. What often goes unsaid, and certainly under-appreciated, is that the opposite side of the coin is also true: If YOU ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy either.

And that’s a fact. From a relationship management perspective, if EITHER or BOTH partners is feeling the pain, there’s going to be turmoil.

Perhaps worst of all? Your kids are going to reflect back to you the attitudes and feelings you and your main squeeze portray.

How’s that for a wake up call?

So, then, how come there’s so much talk about Mama and her happiness? Is this about a feminized culture where men’s needs are trivialized, as usual?

Maybe, maybe not.

The way I see it, it’s the man’s job to LEAD.

That’s the way it goes. That’s our lot. Women are going to have to deal with the pregnancies and the child birth. There’s no way to lift that mantle off of them. Similarly, you’re lot is to LEAD. Without providing security and stability to a relationship, and certainly to a family as well, there’s not going to be as much “happiness” as you’d hope for.

Simply put, when a woman feels you’ve got things handled as a man, she is freed up to express her feminine energy to you more fully.

Someone smart (but unfortunately anonymous) once said, “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.”

When a man fails to deploy when it comes to leadership, the end result is that the woman in his life is left wondering about what’s happening and what WILL happen in the future. Worse, she’s left wondering whether you are a MAN or not.

This insecurity leads to anxiety, which translated equals “fear.”

And if she’s living her life in fear, even if at a low level, that can only mean YOU are missing out.

So if it’s true that a woman follows YOUR leadership, that can only mean that the best way for YOU to get what YOU want is to take the bull by the horns and take the first step.

Here are some practical ideas:


Instead of cajoling her for sex after she has had a long day, try focusing more on the SENSUAL rather than the SEXUAL. Focus on touching her the right way and on those high-quality kisses you enjoyed when you first met her.

And start flirting again. Whack her on the tail for no reason and start bantering with her in that playful way you used to.

Ignite her femininity, and you just may begin to see that SHE’S the one initiating sex for a change.

You will have LED.


When it’s time discipline the kids, you’ve got to be firm and stand your ground. When you tell your kids there are consequences for their behavior, you’ve got to follow through when the need is there.

If mama is having trouble with one of the children, you can’t trivialize the matter or throw it back in her court. You’ve got to be the man. You can’t avoid or flat-out laugh off occasions when your kids require discipline and expect to be seen as an effective leader.

And when your kids do well, you must be first to praise them. Take a moment to reflect on what effect that kind of leadership would have.


If something goes “bump in the night”, you must be first out of the bedroom to check on it. In fact, whenever a crisis hits—even a minor one—you must rise to the challenge and meet it. The measure of a man is how he conducts himself when the “chips are down”.

Is the matter something you can handle? Then do so. Hold your woman tightly and tell her everything is going to be okay. Can she trust that you mean that? Can your kids? Or will they collectively roll their eyes and presume you’ll only let them down? The answer to that question is what makes or breaks your ability to influence her happiness in both the long and the short term.

Is the matter something you cannot influence directly? Tell her you are there for her and be the Rock Of Gibraltar she needs in her life at that moment.

To wrap this up, let me be clear about something important. We are NOT talking about “kissing up” to women here and giving away your power as a man. This is not about putting aside what you want and handing her everything she demands of you on a silver platter.

In fact, quite the opposite is true. By leading, you take that power back. You are running the household in the way that serves everyone’s best interest. As you make sure the needs of those you love are securely met, it’s YOU who creates that all-important environment where you earn their respect and their desire to please you.

To do that, you’ve got to be the quarterback of your relationships instead of the waterboy.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

Scot McKayScot McKay is a dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications. He hosts several top-ranked podcasts on iTunes including “The Chick Whisperer.”

Discover his brand new system for relationship management at Whether you’re married, dating, or somewhere in between; find out how to “wear the pants”…without losing your shirt.

His blog is updated constantly and always full of surprises. Check it out at

Image By: Paul Joseph

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