…you might be a stay-at-home dad.

Jeff Foxworthy’s shtick as it’s applied to stay-at-home dads

LUDWIG@HOME by Howard LudwigJeff Foxworthy’s one-liners aren’t sophisticated or thought-provoking comedy. But his signature you-might-be-a-redneck jokes are often funny.

I decided to try my hand at Foxworthy’s shtick. He’s got the redneck market cornered. Thus, I chose to poke fun at stay-at-home dads (though many of the jokes apply to anyone who spends the majority of their time taking care of children).

Here’s how it’s going to work. I supply the one-liners. You follow up with the punch line “you might be a stay-at-home dad.” Here goes:

If pajama pants complete your outfit…

If you’re surprised when you see moms from school wearing makeup…

If you regularly visit museums but never pay to get in…

If you rarely have more than $7 in cash in your wallet…

If once a week you hear someone say, “I want your job”…

If you wear your wedding ring to prove to other moms you really are married…

If your children follow a routine that makes penitentiary life look haphazard…

If you regularly shower after 10 a.m….

If you can stare a misbehaving child into submission from across the room…

If you instinctively fast forward all the scary parts of your son or daughter’s favorite movies…

If you’ve ever found naptime to be contagious…

If everyone at the grocery store knows your children’s names…

If the sleeves of your favorite NFL sweatshirt regularly smell like spit-up…

If other people’s children mistakenly call you “daddy”…

If you’ve ever looked at one of the Disney Princesses and thought, ‘that’s one lucky prince’…

If you’ve done the math to figure out the cost of each, individual diaper…

If in a room full of crying babies, you can single out the sound of your son or daughter…

If you’re careful not to criticize your wife’s parenting, and she’s equally careful not to criticize your cooking…

If you haven’t had a full night’s rest in months…

If you’ve ever changed a diaper on the floor of the men’s room while cursing the baby changing station in the adjacent women’s room…

If people assume you’re unemployed…

If an internal clock starts running from the time Dora and Boots begin their adventure until the time they sing, “We did it!”…

If you ask for a sample of American cheese every time you go to the deli…

If you know what a Gummy Vite is…

If you’re pals with more members of the women’s club at church and P.T.A. than your wife…

If you’ve ever turned down the baby monitor and turned up the television…

If you go to the bathroom in front of a curious audience…

If you think nursing bras are sexy…

 

And finally (drum roll, please)….

If you’ve ever looked the other way as your child eats something he or she found in a couch…

 

Thank you. Thank you. You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

Howard Ludwig

Howard Ludwig is a former business writer who traded his reporter’s notebook for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad.

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