12 Things I Never Have to Do Again

Guest blogger Paul Starke: As any new parent will tell you, having a baby means dozens of new responsibilities that are rewarding, yes–but also exhausting and time consuming. But what I didn’t realize is that in addition to the obvious joys fatherhood has given me, it’s ALSO given me carte blanche to stop doing activities I barely tolerated before. With that, I present to you this week’s Daddy Dozen: “The 12 Things I Never Have to Do Again.”

1. Watch crappy reality shows: “Sorry honey–I had to delete all your Sunset Tan episodes so I could get a season’s pass to Yo Gabba Gabba.”

2. Foreplay: My wife Melissa has penciled in a few minutes for sex each lunar cycle. Thus, there just isn’t enough time for any pre-game action. It’s great–sort of like going to a movie without having to sit through the trailers. Wow–when did I turn into Paul Reiser?

3. Return calls/emails: It’s amazing how tolerant people can be to blatant rudeness if you fire off a simple three-word response: “Can’t talk. Baby.” Warning: This tactic works with friends and relatives, not major utility companies.

4. Feign interest in other people’s babies: Now it’s their turn to feign interest in yours!

5, 6 and 7. Shower, brush teeth, change underpants: My wife clearly hit the jackpot when she met me…

8. Exercise: Granted, I didn’t do much (any) of this before we had a baby, but at least now I have a valid reason to look like I do.

9. Eat right: That Super Size Me guy had it all wrong. I’ve been averaging about two McGriddles a day. They’re so delicious, who cares if I now bleed maple syrup? Ok, I’m now beginning to realize I’ve not turned into Paul Reiser … I’ve turned into a homeless Paul Reiser.

10. Go anywhere: As much as I love going to Melissa’s friends’ birthday parties after work, sadly, we couldn’t get a sitter…

11. Be polite to strangers: If you ever have to play “Sidewalk Chicken” with a group of slow-moving people, make sure you are wheeling a stroller. You’ll always win.

12. Look for someone to play catch with: I’m making a promise to my 5-month-old son right now. When you get a little older, I will always, ALWAYS make time to throw the ball around with you. I cannot wait for that day–I will always put your interests and happiness above my own, and I will never become a Harry Chapin lyric.

Paul Starke profile picPaul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.

Image by: Fran GC, SXC

This article republished with permission of momlogic.com

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