Photo credit: Joe Houghton / flickr.com

When Bill W. and Dr. Bob created Alcoholics Anonymous 77 years ago, they borrowed principles learned from a Christian fellowship called the Oxford Group to create their 12-step recovery program.

“They knew that their spiritual program was effective where other ‘cures’ had failed, and over the years, there have been many theories as to why,” says Dr. Harry Haroutunian, physician director of the Betty Ford Center in Palm Springs, and collaborator with Dr. Louis Teresi on the book, Hijacking the Brain: How Drug and Alcohol Addiction Hijacks our Brains – The Science Behind Twelve-Step Recovery (www.HijackingTheBrain.com).

“Now we know that stress is the fuel that feeds addiction, and that stress and drug and alcohol use cause neurological and physiological changes,” Haroutunian says. “The changes are primarily in the deep brain reward centers, the limbic brain, responsible for decisions, memory and emotion. These centers are ‘hijacked’ by substance abuse, so that the addicted person wants the booze or drug over anything else. ”

As a scientist and physician applying the 12-step program to his own life, Teresi studied the physiological changes triggered by this seemingly non-scientific treatment.

“One response is that elements of 12-step programs reduce stress and increase feelings of comfort and reward through chemical changes in the brain and body. These changes allow for neuronogenesis – the birth of neurons in the brain,” Teresi says.

“As substances of abuse affect the limbic brain, so do 12-step recovery practices.”

Teresi says the 11th step in the program, which emphasizes spiritual practices such as prayer and meditation, works for the following reasons:

• Chilling out: Addiction is a cycle of bad habits. When something bad happens, an alcoholic drinks to feel better. When something good occurs, he drinks to celebrate. After years of this behavior, a person needs a way to step outside of himself to maintain sobriety. Regular prayer or meditation achieves that and becomes “that other habitual option” for responding to emotions, he says.
• “Mindfulness” meditation: While certain forms of prayer are effective, meditation may be a more direct way to achieve the kind of beneficial self-regulation that makes the 11th step so crucial, Teresi says. Mindfulness meditation incorporates active Focused Attention and the more passive Open Monitoring to raise a person’s awareness of his impulses, leading to better self-control.
• The three-fold manner: A successful 11th step tends to have the following benefits: First, stress is relieved in both cognitive and emotional reactivity, as evidenced by reduced cortisol (stress hormone) levels and other biological indicators. Second, some forms of meditation are shown to stimulate the brain’s reward centers, releasing dopamine – a mood elevator — while improving attention and memory. Third, an increased sense of connectivity and empathy to others is achieved, satisfying our natural need for social connection and reducing stress.

Sobriety is not so much about not drinking or drugging, Teresi says.

“It’s about developing an attitude and lifestyle that brings sufficient serenity and personal reward that drinking, or taking any mood-altering drug, is simply unnecessary.”

Article provided by News & Experts of Wesley Chapel, FL.

Now we’re celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah in our home and, more recently, I’ve even attended her church (Calvary Community Church in Westlake Village, California).

This issue of religion in the home is a touchy one for most couples getting married, especially as they plan on having and raising children. It’s not a simple question nor is there a simple answer.  I believe it’s extremely important for a couple to discuss this, in depth, before they marry or have children if they believe and practice different faiths.

I used to think, as many clergy would recommend, that a mixed-faith couple should just choose one religion to practice in the home and with which to raise their children.  I still tend to believe this view but have realized it’s more nuanced and complicated than I at first thought.  Originally, this line of reasoning made complete sense in that the children get exposed to one faith, learn one faith, and hopefully appreciate and love that one faith.

Further, the thinking was and is that raising children in dual faiths only confuses them and diminishes the value of both religions.  In those homes, many children just end up dropping both faiths and end up leading a secular or more generalist spiritual life without belonging to either religion in which they were raised.  It was thought naïve that children would have the wisdom, in their young lives, to actually appreciate both religions and possibly make their own choice later.  I still tend to agree with this line of thinking.

My first wife and I agreed to raise our children Jewish.  We attended an “Introduction to Judaism” course of 15 three-hour lectures, and also attended the obligatory “extra credit” outside homework, that included visiting various temples, Jewish libraries, stores, and places that offered a Jewish experience (that might have included attending a Bar or Bat Mitzvah or a traditional Jewish wedding, as well as different services of the primary three Jewish denominations).

It was a wonderful refresher course, for me, and my wife did complete it and choose to convert before we married and had children.  We raised them in a Jewish household, though I was the parent with the primary responsibility for their religious education. Ultimately, both boys became a Bar Mitzvah after their thirteenth birthdays.

I believe this religious foundation was good and that both boys appreciate and respect their Jewish heritage.  I’m glad we did it that way.  However, in my second marriage, with children not a question, my wife has chosen to keep and practice her Christian faith.  At first, I struggled with how this might impact my boys and me.  The Christmas tree was the first hurdle since it is symbolic to me as it so represented something contrary to my faith.

I got over that hurdle and next I attended my wife’s church where, to my surprise, I found myself completely enjoying the magnificent services produced at Calvary Church.  I use the word “produced” from the position of a former television producer who appreciates the careful “production values” of their services, from the big screens that project the words to the songs sung, to videos sometimes shown, to check-lists and information on those screens that relate to what the pastor may be preaching.

I don’t believe in Jesus, but we share the same basic belief in the Old Testament and the same values that the Ten Commandments oblige Jews and Christians alike to live.  I enjoyed the services so much that I approached the senior Pastor, Shawn Thornton, and the youth ministries Pastor, Drew Sams, and complemented them on a job well done.

My conversation with Pastor Drew Sams led to his becoming my regular guest on the “Teen Rap” segment of my new Radio Show.  We’ve begun a friendship that embraces our respective faiths and I’ve actually attended several other Calvary services just for the joy, heart, and wisdom in them.  The fact that both Pastor Drew and Pastor Shawn are remarkable speakers who preach such inherently valuable words of wisdom is a bonus, along with the artistry of the revolving bands playing first-rate professional music to begin and end the services.

Who would have thought that this stubborn, set-in-his-ways, guy would be singing along to gospel music, swaying back and forth, and listening attentively to every word a Christian pastor spoke?  Not me.  As for my boys, they are seeped in Judaism.  Their adult path is theirs to choose.  I will stay a Jew, but I now can share and enjoy my wife’s faith, more than I ever imagined.  And, as we both learned during our courtship, it would have been harder to have opposite political values given the divisive nature of political discourse these days than have our different religions, where we share the same basic values.  How ironic. How surprising. How wonderful.

This past Easter I was skiing with my younger son.  As my middle-aged body gets sore from several hours on the slopes, I tend to indulge in the jacuzzi to ease some the aches I’ve earned each day.  On this past Easter Sunday, I ended up sharing the communal jacuzzi at the condo complex with members of a family who shared some personal stories.  For me, they were inspirational.

I met Bob (names all changed) who was single 30+ years after divorcing the mother of Sharon and Mark, the other two adults in the jacuzzi.  Bob had been their stepfather for seven years, yet remained actively involved in their lives long after he and their mother divorced.  Sharon felt so close to him that when she got married she invited both her biological father and Bob to walk her down the aisle. This irritated her biological father who had evidently not been much of a father during the years before and after Bob was in Sharon’s life.

All these years later, these two adult children had chosen to remain connected with Bob, their stepfather of seven years.  Their bond and commitment to each other was obvious.  With all the struggles so many blended families go through I was impressed and touched by their closeness.

Mark had had a child out-of-wedlock and struggled mightily to stay in that son’s life.  The child’s name is Rick. Mark said that he had spent tens of thousands of dollars seeking visitation rights, but Rick’s mother did everything in her power to frustrate his efforts to have a relationship with his son. I’m putting aside the issue of Mark not being married at the time and, instead, focusing on the mother and father fighting, thus hurting the child.  This is too often the case and, sadly, too often our courts instead of looking out for “the best interest of the child” choose to focus on the best interests of the angry spouses only resulting in financial gain for their lawyers.

During the years of this legal struggle, Mark married and had two more children, a boy and a girl, yet he continued to try to stay in Rick’s life.

The result of Mark’s fighting with Rick’s mother was that Rick became a troubled teen and young man. Big surprise. Rick was caught between his warring parents, with Mark trying to establish some boundaries for him while his mom only gave in to anything to win Rick over to “her side.”  Ultimately, the story takes a turn for the worse when Rick turns Mark’s other son onto drugs, slipping him what used to be called a “mickey,” or giving him drugs without his knowledge!

When Mark learned of this, he had no choice but to seek a restraining order to keep his older son away from his impressionable younger one.  However, the damage had been done, to some degree, as his younger son began to embrace the drug lifestyle.

Throughout all these travails, Mark stayed close with his stepfather, Bob, who offered counsel, financial help, and a strong, mature, and loving sounding board.  However, the grip of the drug culture is strong and Mark finally turned to his church, to his pastor’s son, a 19-year-old, to seek some outside intervention that might help his younger son.

Thankfully, Mark’s younger son respected and liked the pastor’s son and became a mentor to Mark’s troubled son.  The two young men ended up going to Columbia on a church mission to help some of the impoverished children that live there.  The impact of this trip was powerful on Mark’s younger son and when he returned, he told Mark, “After witnessing the love these (Columbian) kids had for us, seeing the horrible poverty they live with, I realize how much value our lives are and I’ve changed completely.”

He hasn’t touched a drug since.

Bob now has another situation in which to offer his guidance and support, as his stepdaughter, Sharon, mother of two young children, is in the throes of divorce.  So, again, he faces the job of supporting one of his stepchildren from years past, this time through the rigors of a divorce, while she’s still raising two small kids.  I could see from the look on her face, as well as Mark’s, that their bond with Bob was as strong as any biological parent could have.

Between hearing about the marvel that occurred with Mark’s younger son and feeling the positive energy that Sharon gets from both Mark and Bob, I have full faith that she will emerge from the divorce as well as can be expected.  She may be a little emotionally battered, as is the result of just about every divorce, but she will be intact, well-balanced, and healthy due to this strong family support.

What is the lesson?  Parental bonds have nothing to do with paternity; they have everything to do with desire to be an active, good, and participating mother or father.  Bob demonstrated this to Mark, and Mark tried to be there for his older son, Rick.  And, Mark’s faith and connection to his church, gave him a tool that may have literally saved his younger son.  A miracle?  No: the power of faith, commitment, and love.

Image credit: Dan Taylor

It is one thing to set a goal and achieve it, but how do we confidently know whether that goal is the right one?

Most of us will make a New Year resolution, yet only 12% will ever realise it. Research shows that we make more resolutions to start a new habit, than to break one. Typical resolutions include:

• Increase exercise
• Be more conscientious about work or school
• Develop better eating habits
• Stop smoking, drinking, or using drugs (including caffeine)

Philosopher, Caroline West, of the University of Western Sydney reveals that in our quest for greater fitness, we spend more time shopping for leisure goods than engaging in leisure itself and spend more time watching sport on TV, rather than playing it ourselves.

Empirical research on leisure pursuits that deliver a healthy dose of satisfaction suggest we should refrain from typical New Year resolutions and progress some or all of the following: socialising , community work, visiting new places, meditation or worship, cultural activities, being engrossed in a stimulating book or hobby, getting a good nights sleep and physical exercise.

Because of society’s increasing expectations for dads to be actively involved parents, most of us yearn for more of what we find increasingly harder to get, TIME. This becomes a distant reality when we have kids craving our undivided attention, so why not set a few goals for 2010 that bring you and the kid’s sustained satisfaction:

• Identify a project and build it: e.g. Veggie / herb garden, a billy-cart, fishpond. For more
• Explore. Take advantage of our multi-cultural communities, jump on some public transport and discover new food and cultures. Make it a regular event.
• Share a book, either read it to the young ones or form a monthly book club.
• Community work. Together you can decide who, why, where and when.
• Get into a new sport. Either as spectators (e.g. Winter Olympics) or as participants, consider martial arts, yoga, tennis, jogging and walking etc…
• Do a short course: art, craft, pottery, gardening, sailing, wood work etc…
• Be king of the kids: Do an inspiring activity each weekend

Once you have identified your aspired outcome, it is important to create a plan that ensures you see it through. Professor Richard Wiseman, Hertfordshire University, offers the following tips for success:

• Men should set specific goals
• Women should tell others about their resolution
• We should all avoid leaving the decision to New Year’s Eve
• Deciding to revisit a past resolution sets you up for frustration and disappointment
• Choose something new, or approach an old problem in a new way
• Those who make vague plans were more likely to fail – for example instead of planning to go running twice a week you should plan to go running at specific times every week
• Men may be more likely to adopt a macho attitude and have unrealistic expectations, and so simple goal setting helps them achieve more

Like business goals, our personal goals, should be specific, realistic, achievable, timely and measurable.

Our plans too often focus us primarily on a life of work, usually with transparent and tangible milestones. Dads would  do well to develop a plan that pursues lasting joy and satisfaction with their kids.

What will you achieve with your kids by December 2010?

Image credit: Maira Kouvara

A two-income household becomes a one-income household, and dad stays home! Sure, you’ve heard the stories of stay-at-home-dads before, but now you can read it from the outside in. Husband@Home is one wife and mother’s observations as her family adjusts to having a stay-at-home-dad.

As the wife of a stay-at-home dad, what would you think your worst fear would be? In many ways, responsibilities are reversed, but not roles; however, the reversal or adaptation of those responsibilities bring on different concerns and feelings than those present in your typical or “traditional” household. My career has always been important to me, even though I was not nearly as accomplished in it as I would like to be.

When my husband decided to stay at home with the girls, it became more than my job or career.  It changed.  The reasons behind my goals changed, although my goals did not. They became intertwined.  My worst fear was losing my job, and I felt the weight of it often. It was up to me. It was not just mine, it was our livelihood.  God has always had a way of ‘helping’ me address my fears. (If you were sitting across from me drinking a cup of coffee, this is where you would sense the irony and I would give you that look.)

About three years ago, my worst fear was being in a car accident with my new baby in the car. I was paranoid almost to a panic when I drove anywhere with her in the car.  She seemed so fragile. I just knew her little bones could not take that kind of trauma. On the way back from my brother’s wedding , my worst fear was realized.  We hydroplaned off of the interstate into the woody median.  As we spun at what felt like the fastest land speed every recorded, I said out loud, “Oh God, no!” As if by saying it, I could insist the car stop right there!  The reality of what was happening hit me harder than the tree my car door finally rested upon.   I struggled to remain calm, but to my husband, I was clearly not.  I screamed for him to get the baby out of the car and look her over. We both had a million things running through our brains at that moment and I lied to him that I was okay when I really was not sure where the blood was coming from.  Instantly a paramedic was at my door (he was driving behind us and saw the whole thing!) Although all the windows had broekn and my daughter’s car seat was filled with glass, there was not one piece of glass on her body.  She was completely unharmed as if an angel had thrown himself over her.

I only had eight stitches from that accident and a broken finger.  Neither my husband nor my daughter were hurt. I learned that day that when I pray for my family, maybe I should include myself in those prayers, but that my prayers were answered. Considering the severity of what happened… I am sure you see where I am going with this.

When I was called into my Director’s office two weeks ago, and told my position was being eliminated,  I felt the  world spinning once again.  I was hydroplaning with my entire family in the car with me.  I was at the wheel this time. They were counting on me! How was I going to handle it this time when the spinning stopped?

When my husband found himself out of work a few months ago and ultimately made the decision to pull the girls out of daycare and become a SAHD, I saw him go through a litany of emotions and thoughts.   I remember thinking that I did not understand the full weight of the burden a man feels when he loses his job, but that was before I shouldered the financial weight of providing for my family.*

Something was different this go around though.  I could try to tell this story by leaving it out, but I would not be telling you the whole story.   Every instance in my life where a fear has crept in and taken over, it has been realized, and ultimately conquered. I have been brought through fear after fear unharmed, relatively unscathed, but a little wiser each time.  After the car accident, I added myself to those prayers, and after grieving the emotions of what had happened and feeling the rejection of that day, I had an overwhelming peace about what was in store for us.   I know we will be okay.  Things may get worse before they get better, but although we might end up with a couple stitches, we will be wiser and probably better off in the end.  A dear friend of mine calls this ‘blind faith,’ but I know that the peace that I feel, and the experiences I have been brought through, tell a different story; a real story.

*Note: I still believe that men feel this issue differently than women because of how they are often raised to be the provider for their families (along with other reasons that typically make men inherently different from women).  I only make a point here that I ‘got it’ for the first time.

Image credit: B S K, SXC

I’ve written about waiting on God before.  In that post I made the conclusion that “if I give up control of the end, if I release to God the final chapter and live obedient to him daily, he’ll take me right where I need to be.”

I still agree with that . . . but I’ve been reading a book lately that is shifting my thoughts just a bit.  The book is Just Do Something, by Kevin DeYoung.  DeYoung is a young pastor who, in the book, counsels Christians to settle down, make choices, and do the hard work of seeing those choices through. Too often, he writes, God’s people tinker around with churches, jobs, and relationships, worrying that they haven’t found God’s perfect will for their lives.  Or—even worse—they do absolutely nothing, stuck in a frustrated state of paralyzed indecision, waiting . . . waiting . . . waiting for clear, direct, unmistakable direction.  But God doesn’t need to tell us what to do at each fork in the road.  He’s already revealed his plan for our lives: to love him with our whole hearts, to obey His Word, and after that, to do what we like.

See, what’s always bothered me a little is this notion that God has a specific roadmap laid out for all the decisions we will make in our lives.  As a Christian, I’ve always been taught that “God has a special plan for my life”.  While I agree that there is a plan for my life, I’ve come to believe that the plan revolves around only two things:  loving God (becoming more like Christ) and serving people. Beyond that, I think our lives could take several different paths and still be within God’s will.

Does that mean God doesn’t take an interest in some of the details of my life?  No.  I think it means that God is more concerned that our focus is on Him and His people rather than on which job to take.  Or which house to buy.  Or whether we should get fries with our meal.  The fact is, if we are focused on the right things, God will use us no matter where we find ourselves living or working.

The bible has lots of examples of people receiving visions from God — specific instructions on where to go, what to do, etc.  But there are many instances where it appears God didn’t provide clear direction.  Take Paul for instance.  If anyone would seem to have a direct line to God it would have been Paul, right?  Of course and he did receive direct instruction from God.  His amazing conversion story immediately comes to mind.  But even Paul appears to have made numerous decisions without direct input from God.

It seemed good to the Holy Spirit . . . Acts 15:28

Paul had decided to sail past Ephesus to avoid spending time in the province of Asia, for he was in a hurry to reach Jerusalem . . . Acts 20:16

After I go through Macedonia, I will come to you—for I will be going through Macedonia. Perhaps I will stay with you awhile, or even spend the winter, so that you can help me on my journey, wherever I go.  I do not want to see you now and make only a passing visit; I hope to spend some time with you, if the Lord permits.  1 Corinthians 16:5-7

Not exactly the sound of a guy who’s got his entire map laid out in front of him!

I don’t want to get too deep with this, but this concept has the potential to be a paradigm shift for many who find themselves, like me, with dreams and goals that lie just out of reach.  If God doesn’t provide clear direction.  If I am seeking God and serving people.  Should I still be waiting on Him to set the table for me?  Ponder that and let me know what you think.

I’ll leave you with a quote from a great American that fits this subject perfectly:

When you come to a fork in the road . . . .  take it.  Yogi Berra

Image credit:  Fergal OP

When my kids were younger, they had a jack-in-the-box.  Not the hamburger, the toy.  You probably had one growing up, too.  It’s the box with the door on top where the scary-looking clown pops out after you turn the handle (just for fun, check out the video here).  I remember watching my daughters play with the toy.  Once they got the hang of it, they could stuff the clown back into the box, then turn the handle until it popped out.  My wife and I would laugh because even though the girls knew the clown was going to jump out at them, they would still be startled and squeal when it popped out.

After they got a little older, we tried to get them not to jump when the clown popped out.  They couldn’t do it.  One night my wife and I even tried to turn the handle, listen to the music, and not be startled when the clown made its appearance.  After all, we should know it was coming, right?

We finally gave up.  Even though we should have known what was coming, we still reacted as if we had no idea.

I’ve been listening to a podcast from Andy Stanley about the Principle of the Path.  Andy is a pastor from Atlanta and his latest book is about how direction equals destination.  His basic premise is that no amount of prayer, planning, or intent can move you closer to your goal if you are on the wrong path.  If you live in Arkansas and you want to go to California, you’re not going to get there if you head east on I-40.  It’s impossible.

But who would go east from Arkansas if they really wanted to end up in California?  It’s ludicrous, right?  Sure it is, but we do it every.

How many people want to get in shape, but hit the snooze button on their morning exercise more than they should?

Do you desire to be financially independent but continue to spend now and pay-it-off later?

How many of us desire to be a great husband and father but regularly skimp on family time to work?

What about our faith?  Do you desire to have a deep relationship with Christ, but don’t commit the time to pray and study?

I’ve been guilty of all of the above at some point.  It’s a daily struggle to live in a manner consistent with our goals.  The most frustrating part is when we realize we haven’t reached our goals we act surprised.  Bad luck, we say.  The stars didn’t align.  We blame it on someone else.  Maybe we even blame it on God.  99% of the time we’re dead wrong.

If we were really honest with ourselves, if we really took the time to look at the path we’ve been on, we’d see that we never had a chance.  Oh sure, we prayed about it every now and then.  We planned.  We had every intention of getting there.  But from the moment we started out, we were headed east when we really wanted to go west.  Our direction over-ruled our intention.

So how do we keep from heading down the wrong path?

There are probably other ways to approach it, but I believe the most effective way to keep from going the wrong direction is to surround yourself with people who have the experience and perspective to give you sound advice.

Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.  Proverbs 11:14 (The Message)

Not too long ago, I had a big decision to make.  I didn’t have long to make it, and I didn’t feel led in a clear direction.  Prayer didn’t help.  Talking with my wife didn’t help.  It was only after I sought a friend’s advice that I began to be able to think through the issue clearly.  My friend had been through similar situations in the past and was able to cut through the emotion of my personal experience and ask me the difficult questions.  Over the course of several lunches, we worked through the different options and I was able to make a much wiser decision than I could have without his help.

What we’ve found in our own lives is that our intentions don’t dictate where we end up, the path we are on is what leads us.  Many people think they are headed one direction, but their path is leading them in a totally different direction.  My goal is that no one would be like my daughters and the jack-in-the-box:  we don’t want to be surprised at the end when we should have known what was coming.

Image credit: Brandi Sims