Vast, Lifeless Plain Found Inside Da-da’s Head

It’s official. Years of parenting and child-screaming — not to mention repeating the same phrases over and over until they have no meaning — have finally taken their toll: A Man Called Da-da has absolutely no gray matter left in his head. This came a…

It’s official. Years of parenting and child-screaming — not to mention repeating the same phrases over and over until they have no meaning — have finally taken their toll: A Man Called Da-da has absolutely no gray matter left in his head. This came as no surprise to the good-natured bank holiday crowd in attendance for the unveiling.

Indeed, the cranial deficit is apparently so great that Dr. John Parrot, Chief of Incomprehensible Brain Thingies at the AcmeVaporware School of Medical Oddities, has announced that the vast, near-extradimensional space will initially be leased for ten years to provide ample parking for the thousands of researchers and real estate developers flocking to the cavity. From the release:

“…and that’s sans chicken. However, this is a prime site for studying what has traditionally been known as, ‘Mommy Brain,'” said Dr. Parrot lounging on sand that used to feature the corpus callosum, “but this time, we get to study it from inside the head of a MALE who was silly enough to volunteer for the duty, what a sap. We’ll also be doing tissue samples to ensure that building permits will be readily obtained for the inevitable theme park.”

“We can’t WAIT to break ground here,” drooled Starbucks CEO, Ted Starbucks, vibrating in place after 50 morning espressos. “THIS IS THE BRAIN. BUT IT’S A WASTELAND! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! Hold still, will you? Mommy, uh…?” After regaining consciousness, Mr. Starbucks later said that he was thrilled to bring an overpriced cup of coffee to an otherwise barren region.

Most pleased was real estate developer [redacted by Civil Order #BR263254], not to be confused with the man rumored to possess a uterus, though this has never been proven. “Besides the strip mall and casino and theme park, we’ve already broken ground on a new drive-in multiplex. There’s all kinds of weird movies being projected in here all the time, anyway, so we thought we might as well charge admission.” Giggling like a little girl, the developer later added that, apart from all the UFO landing pads, there was also lots and lots and lots of room for toxic waste disposal, conjuring lucrative long-term illegal contracts with the federal government.

Needless to say, we’re all very excited, but the sounds of the construction equipment is drowning out the sounds of small children screaming. Long live progress!

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